Believable VV slash scenario 1: SexorDie
by slashdragons
Summary: Now that I'm resigned to being a vimes-vetinari slasher... I was trying to think of any way at all that the pairing was believable. So far, I've got: 1. End of the World, Sex or Die.


_Purely for fun, very silly. I started wondering in what situations V/V slash would actually be believable. This is the only one I could come up with off the top of my head: End-Of-the-World-Sex-or-Die. Don't own 'em; don't send me money and neither of us will get in trouble. Right, like you were going to anyway._

The air crackled octarine. The wind blew dramatically. The sun came out for a bit but realized it didn't fit the storyline and left the sky to the stormclouds. On a high parapet of Unseen University, members of a gathering who were, respectively, terrified, scarily calm, foreboding, or arguing with a tree.(1)

"Hold it," said Commander Vimes after a moment. "I missed the bit where you explained why you need help getting rid of a fourth-dimensional Thing with seventy-three and a half pink tentacles. You're the ones who're supposed to know what's going on with the multiverse, right?"

"Oh, we do," said Ridcully hurriedly. "We just thought that, being on the Watch and all, you'd know how do deal with miscreants and whatnot, is all. Y'know, saves us our thauma- thaumataum- magical energy, wot."

"You want me to _arrest_ an interdimensional sorcerous Thing from the Beyond?" Vimes summed incredulously. "Right, fine, but you've got to provide the cell."

"Wonderful!" Ridcully cried happily. "Why don't you get to it, then, and I'll go find somewhere nice for it…" He began jogging relievedly towards the door.

Vimes looked desperately over at the Patrician, who had ignored both parties' sarcasm and idiocy in favor of studying the Thing. It was currently sitting petulantly on top of the Rimward Reversed Tower(2) sending sparks off and waiting for someone to pay attention to its horrible destruction and evil-ness. Vetinari did not acknowledge the Commander, but after a moment he addressed Ridcully. "I assume you have some idea of what you've summoned?" he inquired.

The wizards looked anxiously at each other. Dean muttered something indecent at the Lecturer in Recent Runes. After a moment, and a brief kick at the Dean's shins, the Lecturer cleared his throat. "Well, we know it got in through a hole created by a localized build-up of magical pressure, but the hole's closed back up now that it's in and the pressure's not so bad."

"Interesting," noted the Patrician. "And why was there a build-up of energy here, just then?"

As one the senior wizards took an instinctive step away from Ponder, who didn't notice because he was inspecting the parapet stones very carefully. Ridcully glared and answered for him. "_Somebody_ thought that they could use a damn fool ma_chine_ to invent a new species of, of—"

"Of nuts," finished Ponder quickly. He went a bit red. "My uncle was always trying for them, y'know, with paintbrushes, and I thought…" he trailed, obviously hoping someone had been about to cut him off. No one did.

"I see," said the Patrician calmly. "What else do you know about the situation or …creature?"

"We know it's a hate-demon," volunteered the Dean.

"He means, it feeds on negativity," clarified Ponder. "So presumably, a lot of counter-emotion would be able to vanquish it."

"I dunno," said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. "Look at the octa-glow on that thing. You'd need a LOT of emotion to counter it."

"Yeah, normally," said Ponder, warming up. "But when it squeezed through the hole, a lot of raw magic came with it. Why, with the thaumatic energy levels around here for the next hour or so, you could probably get rid of it with just two people."

"Why two?" asked Ridcully bluntly. "One person can be happy."

The wind picked up some more while everyone avoided looking at him so as not to answer.

"Well?" asked Ridcully again. Vimes quickly interjected. "So… what you're saying is…" he asked Ponder.

"Uh… well, yes." Ponder admitted.

"And if no one is really really happy around here within the next few hours, then…"

"Then, the demon will re-absorb all the floating energy, become even more awesomely powerful than before, experience a rush of energy from the echoes of negativity from Ankh-Morpork, and assimilate all living beings within the city."

"He means it'll eat them," clarified Dean to Ridcully.

"Right, that's what I said," continued Ponder. "And then it'll probably move on to Überwald or Lancre, and by then be powerful enough to rip more holes so all the demons of the Between-dimensions can pour in to rule the world."

"Ah," said Vimes. The Patrician did not speak yet.

"In fact," said Ponder, deep in mental calculation, "we probably shouldn't count on having a whole hour. It'll probably start to absorb within the next ten minutes or so, without counter-flow." He eyed Vimes warily, and gave the Patrician a very nervous glance before continuing. "Ten minutes. Not time to get anyone else involved. Not time to go find someone and make the necessary …preparations."

"I don't get it," said Ridcully, the Dean, and the Senior Wrangler all at once. "Wait…" continued the Dean, catching up. Almost.

Vimes was aghast. "But… surely there's someone—one of you—" he pleaded. He desperately avoided looking over at Vetinari.

"One of us?" said Ponder, genuinely startled. Vimes eyed the wizards. Including the Bursar, who had started a fistfight with the tree and just taken an uppercut rather badly. Right, not one of them then. But – and he was afraid he knew.

"In that case, Mr. Stibbons, perhaps you should lead your staff downstairs before they are require further education?" suggested the Patrician politely. Ridcully bristled. "And please do supply us with …supplies, before you go."

Ponder nodded at him and pulled aside a curtain on the far side, concealing a private bedroom with stained-glass picture windows and a four-poster. Vimes glared at him for obviouly having thought this out. Ponder ignored him by pointing out the nightstand to Vetinari. He then disappeared out the opposite door, followed by the UU staff. "But why are they up there all alone?" trailed their voices. "How come they get a bed out of the deal?" "Shut up!" "Why? Their bed is nicer than mine. I want to stay and fight the demon!" "You can't." "Why?" "You're too fat, that's why. You wouldn't all fit." "I thought they had to stay up here and be happy." "I don't get it, is the bed happy?" "Yes, it's a happy bed. Shut up now."

"Your Grace?" interrupted Vetinari. "I do believe we have some business to attend to."

Sam stared at the obviously unfazed façade. "Ah. You were just going to tell me you're secretly a woman?" He snuck a glance around the Patrician's chest-area. Well, there were bindings for that sort of thing.

"I'm afraid not," said Vetinari regretfully. Or mock regretfully, it was always hard to tell. "Shall we proceed? I do believe it's getting a bit irked." Pinky was idly shooting firepuffs at pigeons. The pigeons, unfortunately, were also unfazed and continued trying to eat bits of tentacle.(3)

"Ah. Um. I'm not sure… I don't really know how to go about this," stammered Sam uncertainly.

For the first time Sam could remember, the Patrician grinned with all his teeth. "Look over there." He pointed at Pinky. When Sam looked, his breastplate fell off. Sam looked up in shock. "How did you…"

The Patrician shrugged. "A petty sleight of hand."

Sam stared. "Can you show me?"

Vetinari smiled again. "Of course I will, my dear Vimes. Right this way…"

With one last glance at Pinky, Sam followed Havelock over to the bed and drew the curtain. Well, under the circumstances, he probably had a right to use his first name. He would've said so aloud if Havelock wasn't busy showing him a great trick for undoing buttons without his hands.

Over on the tower, Pinky sighed and let out an annoyed snort as it began to effervesce into other dimensions. What fools these mortals be, it thought, and patted a pigeon as it went. In a little while, the parapet was empty, save the noises coming from behind the curtain. The tree was slightly embarrassed, but nobody cared.

* * *

(1)That would be: the wizards, the Patrician, Vimes, and the Bursar, who oddly was the only member of the group who'd realized that a pine tree had no business being on the roof. 

(2)Which had, in fact, been the Hubward Right-Side-Up Tower until Ponder's experiment with the Tectonic Trampoline idea.

(3)It tasted like sushi.


End file.
